Because I make good choices like that.
Waiting for laxatives to kick in is like waiting for a gunman to pull the trigger.
Chocolate laxatives. What a bittersweet experience.
I just got back from a KidStand rehearsal. I’ve never mentioned KidStand here before, so let me explain. KidStand is a professional Christian performing arts group. We sing, dance (HipHop), and act to bring people who might not know Christ, to Christ. Whenever I get back from any type of Jesus event, I feel like I have the strength to eat, simply because I know that’s what God wants for me, and I know he would never harm me.
Today is a recovery day…so far. I am eating cookies and MILK (Milk = liquid calories= BIGGEST fear food). Later my sister is bringing pizza home, and I’ll have slice. Just a slice. I won’t let myself binge or purge. I will eat, like a human. I’ve danced a lot today and burned a lot of calories, so pizza won’t kill me.
I know I’ll regret it, I always do. I know late into the night the guilt will KILL me. I know the number on the scale tomorrow will make me cry, but I don’t care. As hard as it is I need to say “Fuck what I ‘want’, I need to do what I NEED, even if it goes against every fiber of my being”. So I’m going to eat for Jesus, and I’m going to enjoy it, and when the self hate comes, I’ll just persevere through it.
Every time I stop restricting and try to eat like a normal person, I feel almost…obligated to binge and purge. I feel like it’s just what’s expected of me, and if I don’t I’m no longer “sick enough”, and no longer worthy of help, or able to be taken seriously. If I eat normally, then my whole eating disorder has become just a joke, a fake, and I’ve been hurting people over nothing. It causes me to usually end up binging and purging. It makes it so hard to recover. Any else struggle with this?