I did spend some time with my mom today. It was nice. Sometimes I forget how much I love her. My mom really is an amazing strong women. She doesn’t understand me and my struggles and that can get frustrating, but she sure tries her best to.
Also, I got all my present shopping done today minus Lauren’s gift, but Lauren won’t be back in town until New Years so it’s not like I have a Christmas deadline to abide by. I know what I’m getting I just haven’t had the time to get it.
My birthday is in 5 days. That’s something to look forward to right? One more year of experience and one year less I have to spend on this planet, plus I’m officially an adult in the state of Texas. We’re going to my favorite Italian restaurant and since it’s my birthday I’m going to try and be “normal” about my food. No promises though.
Yeah. That about sums up the brighter side of my life right now. Oh! And next Saturday is my day with Josh. Looking forward to that definitely!
“You’re depressed? Well when things are going your way you don’t seem so depressed”
“Work on being a little less screwed up”
“You aren’t as sick as you think you are”
She also said we didn’t have the money to pay for my therapy.
Little she sees…little she knows.
I’m not exactly sure what triggered it. It was just on my mind. We were in her room watching the closing Olympic ceremony, and she looks at me and says “you look like you wanna say something.” So I told her. She reacted really calmly to the whole thing. Almost too calmly, like it wasn’t a big deal to her, like she wasn’t actually worried about me, but at the same time, she now talks to me like I’m some fragile doll that’s about to break. I don’t really understand.
I guess the point is, is that I’m going to get counseling. I can’t tell you if this is a good thing or not, because I don’t know myself. I want to get better, but I NEED this control in my life. I honestly don’t know if it’ll be any help, but I’m willing to try I guess.
All I hear in my head is …”you’re not sick enough for this”
…I’m not sick enough for this.
I never want to eat again.
*Me and mom talking about health*
Mom:I think losing weight is “general health”. If you’re losing weight, you’re getting healthy.
Me: what about people with eating disorders? They lose weight, and it’s not healthy.
Mom: That’s the LAST thing we need to worry about in this family. People like us need to count calories.
She means well, but she’s the most triggering person in my family…