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Stuck between this compulsive need to relapse, and a fear of losing all these wonderful opportunities by doing so.

Sometimes I want to go all sass-master Sasha fierce on the ED voices in my head and just tell them that: I don’t remember asking their opinion, it’s rude to come in uninvited, and remind them that they can’t just invade my turf and expect to run the place. Plus yesterday was Wednesday and I don’t remember them wearing any pink. Therefore they can’t sit with me.

Things I want

•To become flexible (I want to do the splits)
•To start exercising again (without going overboard)
•To give eating healthy a second try (last time it sent me spiraling back into my eating disorder)
•To drink more water. (I will go a whole day without drinking any water)
•To be healthy and happy with myself

I am officially directing the play “Eat. It’s not about food”

"EAT (It’s Not About Food) examines the dangerous and baffling world of eating disorders in girls and boys. Using interwoven vignettes, ranging from realistic to satirical to humorous, EAT candidly explores causes and warning signs, takes a hard look at the influences of society and the media, and tells individual stories of young people struggling with this epidemic and too often tragic problem."

I am so excited to take on this show!

My recovery was hard.
My recovery was worth it.
My recovery sometimes sucks
My recovery can be frustrating
My recovery means life.
And if I could go back time to when I was still sick, despite all the times I want to throw in the towel I would still tell myself one thing: Recover


Is inducing vomiting after a binge to relieve stomach pain still considered purging? My original intent wasn’t to expel calories (though I do feel less guilty about the binge now) but to lessen my stomach ache so I can sleep. Is that still purging? Or simply a physically ill person wanting to feel better?

If I eat the world and puke it up do you think I’ll feel better about the fact that my best friend suddenly can’t celebrate my birthday with me tomorrow?

See, this is what happens when I try and let myself feel special for a day.

Everytime I look in the mirror…

I want to cry. All I see is… This fat, manipulative, mean, evil, lying, disappointment of a girl. I don’t understand. This was all so sudden. I was finally having self confidence again, but then it just crumbled without any warning. I feel so lost. Like I’m drowning in a world where everyone else can breathe. It’s scary and sad and frustrating, but also rather addictive.

On a brighter note…

I did spend some time with my mom today. It was nice. Sometimes I forget how much I love her. My mom really is an amazing strong women. She doesn’t understand me and my struggles and that can get frustrating, but she sure tries her best to.
Also, I got all my present shopping done today minus Lauren’s gift, but Lauren won’t be back in town until New Years so it’s not like I have a Christmas deadline to abide by. I know what I’m getting I just haven’t had the time to get it.
And finally…
My birthday is in 5 days. That’s something to look forward to right? One more year of experience and one year less I have to spend on this planet, plus I’m officially an adult in the state of Texas. We’re going to my favorite Italian restaurant and since it’s my birthday I’m going to try and be “normal” about my food. No promises though.

Yeah. That about sums up the brighter side of my life right now. Oh! And next Saturday is my day with Josh. Looking forward to that definitely!

Last night was hard

And now I’m exhausted. I also just ate way too much cookie dough to feel comfortable with. Now I have to deal with those feelings along with everything else and we’re about to go out to dinner. That wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the cookie dough binge, but now it doesn’t matter if I order water because I’ll still feel like crap. I don’t know. I’m too tired and too done to put up with all my mental shit today. Someone wanna come cuddle?

A little thought of encouragement.

I have a lot of followers that suffer from some sort of mental illness. Whether that be anorexia, bulimia, ednos, BED, depression, BPD, OCD, anxiety, self harm, DID, Bipolar, or all/non of the above doesn’t matter. What matters to me is that you’re hurting. It breaks my heart to see so many beautiful people hate themselves so much. I look at every single one of you and I see something so unique, so amazing, and so unbelievably beautiful.

•Covered in scars? Still beautiful •300000 pounds? Still beautiful
•90 pounds? Still beautiful
Still. Fucking. Beautiful.

•depressed? Still loved
•anxiety consumed? Still loved.
•suicidal? Most definitely still loved. Still. Fucking. Loved.

There’s NOTHING you can do to yourself that will take away how wonderful you are, and how much you’re worth. No mental illness can undue the power of you.

Listen to me when I say this: You. Are. Not. What. You. Go. Through.

You are NOT your illness. You’re a wonderful human being who deserves to be cherished. The illness within you is the evil thing, not you. You are brilliant. You are full of potential and world changing possibilities.

So the next time you look in the mirror remember the most beautiful thing is the reflection looking back. Priceless, irreplaceable, beautiful you.

Back online… with an explanation.

Hey my wonderful followers. it’s been awhile. Don’t worry. I’m not dead though I got pretty close. School pressures, life. and family issues finally got to me again and put me under loads of stress and anxiety. This of course triggered me to go to old and dangerous forms of coping: self harm and “eating issues.” Because of this I felt the need to cut everything f triggering out of my life that I could. tumblr can get very triggering very fast, so I felt the need to take a break until I felt more stable. I missed you all so incredibly much though, and I feel much better and though things aren’t perfect (and probably never will be) I’ve managed to find myself again.

God makes me so strong through you.

Too bad you’re leaving….