Is inducing vomiting after a binge to relieve stomach pain still considered purging? My original intent wasn’t to expel calories (though I do feel less guilty about the binge now) but to lessen my stomach ache so I can sleep. Is that still purging? Or simply a physically ill person wanting to feel better?
I want to cry. All I see is… This fat, manipulative, mean, evil, lying, disappointment of a girl. I don’t understand. This was all so sudden. I was finally having self confidence again, but then it just crumbled without any warning. I feel so lost. Like I’m drowning in a world where everyone else can breathe. It’s scary and sad and frustrating, but also rather addictive.
I did spend some time with my mom today. It was nice. Sometimes I forget how much I love her. My mom really is an amazing strong women. She doesn’t understand me and my struggles and that can get frustrating, but she sure tries her best to.
Also, I got all my present shopping done today minus Lauren’s gift, but Lauren won’t be back in town until New Years so it’s not like I have a Christmas deadline to abide by. I know what I’m getting I just haven’t had the time to get it.
My birthday is in 5 days. That’s something to look forward to right? One more year of experience and one year less I have to spend on this planet, plus I’m officially an adult in the state of Texas. We’re going to my favorite Italian restaurant and since it’s my birthday I’m going to try and be “normal” about my food. No promises though.
Yeah. That about sums up the brighter side of my life right now. Oh! And next Saturday is my day with Josh. Looking forward to that definitely!
And now I’m exhausted. I also just ate way too much cookie dough to feel comfortable with. Now I have to deal with those feelings along with everything else and we’re about to go out to dinner. That wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the cookie dough binge, but now it doesn’t matter if I order water because I’ll still feel like crap. I don’t know. I’m too tired and too done to put up with all my mental shit today. Someone wanna come cuddle?
I have a lot of followers that suffer from some sort of mental illness. Whether that be anorexia, bulimia, ednos, BED, depression, BPD, OCD, anxiety, self harm, DID, Bipolar, or all/non of the above doesn’t matter. What matters to me is that you’re hurting. It breaks my heart to see so many beautiful people hate themselves so much. I look at every single one of you and I see something so unique, so amazing, and so unbelievably beautiful.
•Covered in scars? Still beautiful •300000 pounds? Still beautiful
•90 pounds? Still beautiful
Still. Fucking. Beautiful.
•depressed? Still loved
•anxiety consumed? Still loved.
•suicidal? Most definitely still loved.
Still. Fucking. Loved.
There’s NOTHING you can do to yourself that will take away how wonderful you are, and how much you’re worth. No mental illness can undue the power of you.
Listen to me when I say this: You. Are. Not. What. You. Go. Through.
You are NOT your illness. You’re a wonderful human being who deserves to be cherished. The illness within you is the evil thing, not you. You are brilliant. You are full of potential and world changing possibilities.
So the next time you look in the mirror remember the most beautiful thing is the reflection looking back. Priceless, irreplaceable, beautiful you.
Hey my wonderful followers. it’s been awhile. Don’t worry. I’m not dead though I got pretty close. School pressures, life. and family issues finally got to me again and put me under loads of stress and anxiety. This of course triggered me to go to old and dangerous forms of coping: self harm and “eating issues.” Because of this I felt the need to cut everything f triggering out of my life that I could. tumblr can get very triggering very fast, so I felt the need to take a break until I felt more stable. I missed you all so incredibly much though, and I feel much better and though things aren’t perfect (and probably never will be) I’ve managed to find myself again.
Body image is like at negative 1000000 today. I’m so fat. It’s ridiculous. So gross, like oh my lanta.
Overslept and started the morning with my dad yelling at me about every single thing he possibly could. So to punish myself for being such a terrible daughter I bit the heck outta my arm.
I got terrible test anxiety during my math test, so I only finished half of it. So failed that. Awesome.
Now I have to go to English where I know for a fact this teacher as it out for me.
How is your day so far?
Sure I can try to not throw up, try to eat better, and try not to binge. I’ve done that form of “recovery” before. But how do I not think about every bite I put in my mouth? How do I not hate myself? How do I not be sad all the time? How do I make the voices stop screaming at me over how worthless and fat I am? How do I reach true recovery?
Not just from the eating disordered habits, but from the mind set and the depression and such. I know you can’t ever truly “recover” from depression or that way of thinking, but it can improve a lot. I want to start taking my medicine again, I want to learn to love my body, eat healthy, and I want to be actively trying to be a happier person. Last time I got rid of just the habits, and that’s why it was so easy for me to relapse. Maybe this time… I dunno.